Diary of a Miscarriage

August 2nd, 2005

I've been meaning to start a web log, or blog, since I learned I was pregnant again. That was a month ago. Ok, so it took me a while to get started, but here I go.

This pregnancy is different than my first pregnancy. You hear that pregnancies can vary greatly, but you don't really understand it until you go through it. With Justin, I was fairly stable emotionally but physically very sick. I never threw up, but was in a perpetual state of carsick-like sickness from weeks 7-12. If you've ever been carsick, imagine that unbalanced, nauseated feeling not going away for over a month. I was lucky enough to be able to sleep 12-14 hours a day. A 10 hour night and a 2-4 hour nap in the afternoon. My honey took over 90% of the housework and cat care during what she calls "The Mack Truck Phase" of pregnancy, where you feel like a Mack Truck has run you over and you spend all your time just trying to feel normal again.

This time I have a baby and cannot sleep through my nausea like I did the first time. I'm working less though, which means my partner and I are home at the same time more often. She wonderfully lets me nap when she's home. This week she's on vacation and I've been getting a 3-4 hour nap most days. I really need the extra rest this time because this pregnancy is not going as smoothly as the first one.

I started spotting 3 days ago. The spotting turned from pink to red by Monday, so I called my midwife and she got me right in for an ultrasound with her covering doctor. We were relieved to see a strong, healthy heartbeat, but were concerned that the baby is about a week and a half behind in development. The size, however, is consistent with the bleeding that often occurs during placental development at that stage in the pregnancy.

Of course the doctor asked if the dates could be wrong, but since I had to drive 3 hours to visit Justin's dad for sperm insemination, I was quite certain about the dates. I suppose I could have conceived a couple of days later than I thought I had, but not a week and a half later. The doctor said he had a patient whose baby measured 2 weeks behind for the entire pregnancy when there was no other time possible she could have gotten pregnant. She went on to deliver a healthy baby. He said that sometimes the early cell division gets delayed for some reason that they don't yet understand.

I'm scheduled for another ultrasound on August 9th so see if the baby is further developing. The bleeding has just about stopped, so I'm trying to be optimistic.

In case you're looking at the photo of the new baby's ultrasound image, the cleared out black area is the gestational sac. The white circle inside that is the yolk sac, and the little smudge between the two crosshairs is the baby.

August 3rd, 2005

I was hoping the bleeding would have stopped by now. It has diminished, but it's still going on. It's pinkish red, which is a better sign than if it were brown. Brown is old blood and it would indicate bad news about the embryo. Pink to red is fresh blood that means the placenta could still be forming. I'm trying to be optimistic, but at the same time I'm a believer in natural selection. That is, if this baby doesn't make it, that there's probably a good reason. The whole process of conception where egg and sperm come together to make a baby is such a miracle. SO much could go wrong at any stage in the process, especially the earliest stages where the vital organs are being formed.

August 4th, 2005

The bleeding increased again last night and I wonder how I could still be pregnant. I feel better, for one thing, and feeling better isn't consistent with still being pregnant. August 9th, the date of the next ultrasound, seems a long time away.

August 5th, 2005

I'm quite sure I miscarried last night. This morning I awoke to a lot of blood, and a piece of tissue that looked like the gestational sac connected to a blood clot. I feel lucky that I got to see the little embryo's heartbeat before its demise. I'm sure that something was wrong with it genetically though and losing it was the best for all around. These things happen, and we have to believe in the process of natural selection.

August 6th, 2005

My bleeding is like a regular period now. I actually feel pretty good, both physically and emotionally. I am a bit tired but I don't have that run-down feeling anymore. Yesterday I finally finished applying the oak trim in a room of the house that we remodeled. The stained, uncut pieces were laying around the house for about a month. Today I got a haircut, did some shopping and took Justin on a bike ride around the neighborhood. I guess I feel like myself again.

I'll call my midwife on Monday and see if she wants me to keep the ultrasound appointment I have on Tuesday. I suspect she will because the ultrasound will show whether the tissue is passing like it should. Sometimes it doesn't, and when that happens, you just keep bleeding for what seems like a very long period. It would eventually stop, of course, but if you're looking to get pregnant again, a D&C would speed things along. My bleeding is slowing down so I think I'll probably be ok without one.

August 7th, 2005

I did some research on the internet last evening about post-miscarriage bleeding. Some of these women have bled for months after their miscarriages. Regular post-partum bleeding lasts for 6 weeks. It doesn't seem fair that one would have go through that length of bleeding for a partial pregnancy. As wise at it is, nature isn't always fair.

On another note, I've been thinking about why I've been so ok about this miscarriage. As you might know from reading about my career, I work in a lab. On one of the many shelves of books is a book about abnormal prenatal pathology. I glanced through that book several times when I was pregnant with Justin. Believe me, when nature aborts, there's usually a good reason. Most of the defective fetuses in that book were because of lethal genetic mismatches. Most fetuses aborted on their own by 20 weeks. I feel lucky that I didn't go 18 or 20 weeks before finding out my pregancy wasn't going make it.

Here are words of wisdom from my midwife: "If the prenancy is a good one, there's nothing you can do (short of medical invervention) to lose it. If the pregnancy is a bad one, there's nothing you can do to keep it going." So my taking time off to "take it easy" was probably in vain. But still, the protective mom in you wants to give the baby every chance at survival and taking it easy certainly didn't hurt matters.

Another reason I'm ok with this miscarriage is that I know I did everything in my power to give the embryo its best chance. I don't smoke, don't drink while trying to conceive or during pregnancy, don't take any drugs and try to eat right. There's nothing I could have done on my part any better than I already did.

August 8th, 2005

I went back to work today. The workload was light, so I only stayed a little over 3 hours. Of course I had to tell everyone I miscarried. It was harder than I thought it would be, but I made it through just fine. After work I came home and trimmed and mowed the lawn, and then paid some bills. Life is returning to routine, except tomorrow is my ultrasound.

Just as I expected, the midwife wanted me to keep my appointment to see what tissue remains and to determine whether I'll need a D&C. My partner is working tomorrow and the babysitter can't watch Justin. If I can't find a sitter I'll have to ask one of the office personnel to watch Justin while I'm having my ultrasound.

August 9th, 2005

I called ahead and the midwife said bringing Justin with me would be fine. Justin sat on the midwife's lap while the doctor checked out my uterus via ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed that the embryo had indeed miscarried. The tissue passed on its own and I do not need a D&C. I celebrated on the way home with a mocha moolatte from Dairy Queen .

August 14th, 2005

Endnote: I've stopped bleeding and life is back to normal. Hopefully this mini-diary of a pregnancy gone wrong will help anyone else who might think they might be miscarrying. I hope that they would understand that life goes on after a miscarriage and that if it happens that one should not view it as a personal failure. Nature has its way of working things out for the best, even if the outcome isn't what we expect.